Michelle's blog

It was my turn to do a devotional for the Young Lives Leader meeting tonight and so I spoke about the prevailing words that keep coming to mind these days when I describe my state of being.

Peaceful: If Peace is like a river, than I have found myself feeling like that river water being channeled where ever God leads.  He's the banks of the river and my job is just to stay contained within those boundaries.  Peace is active and moving.  The river is sometimes quite still and at other times it is rushing rapids.  Where ever God directs-I'll go.

Excitement: Not nervousness or anxiety-but true excitement wondering what's next (perhaps around that next bend in the river). There is excitement as I look forward to my world changing, and how God will guide me to meet the challenges ahead. I feel energy rushing through me as I try to describe to others and represent well the changes God has made in my life and what He has done through me.

I'd love to hear what words you'd use to describe your own life at this point.  

Alan DVR'd the Presidential Debate for me. I was square dancing with my family and then soaking in the hot tub with girl friends last night-so I missed seeing it "live."  Perhaps God knew I was going to have a very emotional reaction to the debate-so He let me see it in private this morning after the kids had gone to school.

From almost the minute the candidates started talking I felt like weeping. The intensity of their emotion, the physical, mental and political scrutiny both Obama and McCain have undergone is overwhelming. I don't know how they do it.  How do you day after day keep up the travel, family life, interviews, lack of sleep, speeches, debates, etc? I am incredibly humbled by their service and dedication. Both men show a deep love for the United States of America.  Both men believe they have "the right plan."  Both men are willing to go through this unbelievable, privacy busting, soul-bearing process in the hopes that they can take on the hardest job in the world. That to me is reason enough to look at both candidates with admiration and respect.  I was feeling exhausted just watching them take on one another's policies, records, and positions.  

The other reason why I got choked up is that I am so conflicted as to who to vote for.  One says something I like, the other contests it, and then I feel the other one is right.  If there was ever a "flip-flopper" on the issues...it's ME. I do have to be honest and say that despite my fears about Obama-his demeanor, and his answers to the major questions of health care, energy, and foreign policy spoke more closely to my beliefs than McCain.  And as much as I wanted to like McCain because he stands for some very core beliefs that I hold, I am so frustrated by his pick of Sarah Palin as VP that it makes me want to scream, "Why did you do that?"  

A few weeks ago Rick Warren talked with both candidates.  The question that grabbed my attention the most was one in which Warren asked, "Does evil exist, and if it does, do we ignore it, do we negotiate with it, do we contain it or do we defeat it." Essentially McCain said that we are to defeat it, while Obama said we should confront it, but that we must be careful that while confronting it, that we ourselves do not inflict evil.  For me, these two very distinct answers were the most defining of the campaign.  McCain says we should defeat evil.  Sorry, buddy, but I believe evil will always exist and we cannot go around trying to lop off it's ugly head where ever it pops up. Only GOD will be able to ultimately defeat evil.  I have to agree with Obama that we are to fight evil-but we should know our limits and find other ways besides fighting to promote peace and prosperity.

One more frustration with the Republican ticket is this: McCain and Palin need to stop using the phrases "maverick, reaching across the aisle, and reform." Do they think we haven't heard them the first 2000 times they have said those same tired old words.  What candidate would EVER say they only will work with their own party, that they want things to just stay the same as always and that they are definitely not going to try to get things done.  In basic grade school english, this whole thing is a, "no Duh."  In last night's debate McCain said that, "sometimes I'm not very popular with either party."  Ok, so if you are so unpopular-how do you get the backing to get anything done.  If I'm going around making everyone upset with me, I will have no power. Being in leadership shouldn't be all about a popularity contest...but you do have to have a certain amount of likeablity, respect and admiration from those you work with. Instead of constantly telling us how much he "goes against" his own party and is a "maverick" I want a leader that says, "People in both parties like me, agree with me, trust my judgement and when I work with them, we get things done for you, the American people."

There isn't a week or two that goes by without someone asking me "Does Amalija still live with you?" When I reply, "Yes." I receive a comment like, "That is so nice of you to host her." Or there is the classic, "she sure is lucky to have you and your family."

Quite frankly, I just don't see it that way. 

Deciding to ask Amalija to come live with us was MUTUALLY beneficial.  We knew we wanted to extend our home to some one (whom ever God had in mind) and that Amalija would introduce us to another culture.  Not only has she broadened our world view, but she also does very mundane and helpful things like cleaning kitchens and bathrooms!

Now that she's been here for over a year, when I reflect on what having her with us is like on a daily basis-it is simply this:  I get to live with one of my best friends.   In this context, it doesn't feel like she's "lucky" to have us, it is just a fact that she is part of our family now and I relate to her more as a friend, sister or cousin, rather that a "host." 

We are the lucky ones. I thank God for bringing her here, for keeping her here, and for the gift of friendship. 

Looking back at age 30 (I just turned 36 last weekend) I wonder what I was so afraid of.  Growing Up?  Being Me? God has confirmed without a shadow of a doubt that growing up and becoming who He created me to be is the best gift I've ever received.  Within that gift I've become wholly one.  Not a divided self that is in constant turmoil between "my plan" and His.  Getting here was no easy task.  And to those who think forgiveness (of others and of yourself) is a "once and done" kind of thing-sorry you're in for a process that is sometimes a spiritual and emotional battle. 

I've discovered in these 6 years that being whole does not exclude this irony: I still have lots of "parts" of me. I'm not a Christian robot who only likes one type of music or always does the "right" thing-whatever that means.  I'm still drawing boundaries and listening to what Christ would have me do in my everyday walking around life.  I wonder sometimes is it sin to still enjoy dancing like a maniac to "Livin' la Vida Loca" or watching movies like the "American President" where the story line includes pre-marital sex.

I also love baking bread and scones and reading about the old west, pioneers, and oh how I desire some day to actually follow the Oregon Trail. I often joke that I'm a pioneer - but the fact is that I'm scared to walk around a forest campground for fear of cougars and bears.  Once I saw a deer in the dark at Twin Rocks and I nearly jumped out of my skin! 

I could go on and on about the relationship between whole and being a woman of many interests, but for now I'll just leave you with this prayer :

God thank you for creating me to be in relationship with you.  This relationship is ever growing and ever changing.  You created me to depend on you, and when I do, I experience life in a way that is rich with adventure, heartache, and joy. God in You I don't ever have to be afraid of who I am or who I am not. My life came from you, should be lived for you, and will continue with your for eternity. I thank you that eternity is plenty of time to explore and discover all of me.

If you know me pretty well, you probably already know that I'm in a "decision phase" these days. And if you know me even better, you know that not having clarity is difficult for me. I'm waiting on God to give me some clear answers to what He wants for my near future. In some ways I feel so very conflicted and then in the next moment my thoughts, ideas, dreams, and goals are well defined.What I do know is this: God has given me a gift-my husband and my daughters. My first responsibility is to these people. I honor God when I honor my commitment to my family. If God wants me to work for Him, to minister or serve in His Name, then I cannot and will not do that at the expense of the primary gift He has given me. So I wait, and I wait praying for clarity and for the boldness and strength it takes to be obedient to His call.

I've felt for some time now that I should write a "follow-up" article about my participation in the NFC fast. Lately I've been soaking up summer (literally, laying on a floatie in our backyard pool) and not wanting to do much else. But, I want to remember what I've learned, so before I forget, I guess I'll put something down on this underused blog of mine.

The fast for me was a fast from comfort.  I ran every morning (almost), refrained from coffee and alcohol (completely), and didn't eat after 7pm (every day except for 2 or 3 times).  All in all it was a VERY successful fast. I was filled with more energy than I have been in a long time, I learned that I wouldn't "starve" if I didn't have a 10pm snack, and I actually came to enjoy my morning run.  The fast taught me that my bits of "comforts" or "crutches" actually were daily detriments to my health and well being.  When I followed through with what God wanted me to do, I was amazed at the life flowing through my veins (not caffeine). 

So often I refused to exercise for lack of energy, motivation or time.  Those were my excuses.  I ate or drank out of habit under the guise of "me time."  Handing those things over to God and letting Him be in control of my habits didn't completely take away the cravings, nor did it free up my time to devote to Him.  But I was able to focus on the plain and simple fact that those things I wanted to eat and drink are totally, utterly unnecessary.  

Obeying God is totally, completely necessary for a full, energized, righteous life.  When I let God be in control of my "comfort level" during the fast, He never let me down.  At times I was tempted or a bit sad that I couldn't join in - but that feeling was temporary. Knowing that I was obeying the "rules" that God had placed on my heart has eternal value. 

Another component to the NFC fast was supposed to be the ability to "Stop, Look, and Listen."  This slowing down was all but impossible for me to do in the midst of gearing up and going to Girls Camp.  But the last few weeks...trust me, I've sllllloooowed way down. I now have the time to relax and unwind.  I'm loving every minute of a very open schedule with time to read, play, and rest. In this "Fast after the Fast" I've been enjoying a few non-essential beverages, sleeping in instead of early morning runs, and occasional late night snacks.  But they have lost their grip.  They have lost their power as "necessary" comforts.  And I find myself more grateful to the One who holds me in the palm of His hand and gives me life.  A life I will live for Him.

I've been home from Girls Camp for over 3 weeks now, and despite the slow down in my schedule, summer has been in "full swing" and it's been full of social events and family time.  So, instead of coming home and being filled with inspiring stories from camp-I've been busy living life outside the blogging world. So I'll settle for a list of things that comes to mind when I think back to camp-oh so long ago. :)

1. We had the most amazing group of counselors this year. Every single one of them we'd ask back in a heartbeat and we loved how focused they were on the campers.  Truly the biggest blessing of camp was the maturity level that these ladies possessed and it made a huge impact on how smoothly the week went for everyone.  I can't thank them enough for the gift of service and love that these women bestowed upon Girls Camp.

2. Our staff rocked.  The programming that these women put together was top notch.  Outdoor class with Carrie and Colleen was so great-the kids did everything from looking at lake water under a microscope to limboing at a Beach Party. Lana and Delaney-what great helpers you were too!  Crafts were fantastic (wooden birdFEEDERS and a storymat) and blessings to Christy and Mindy for putting up with endless hammering and gluing-headache anyone! Recreation really brought the crowd to their feet, literally. The dance to "Freeedom Freeedom" made every girl smile and dance and scream-It was the highlight of my camp experience this year.  Each one of these teams (Outdoor, Craft and Recreation) brought the message of Freedom in Christ to life and it was a joy to work with them throughout the year in planning and then so much fun to sit back and see the fruits of their labor-A LOT of Labor (one lost GPS) and endless amounts of love -Thank You!

3. Being Lecia's co-Director, this is a true gift.  I am so honored to be her friend. I am in awe of her talents, patience, prayer, honesty, and faithfulness.

4. At Girls Camp I am surrounded by an web of people who support me and teach me and inspire me. My deepest thanks to: Deann, Sandra, Miriam, Jeanne, Bev, Joseph, Stephanie, Ken, Tamara, Lisa, and, Dennis (oh, I'm sooo sorry for bugging you about my "dead" computer!).

5. Sarah brought to life the Word and gave the girls a special word, "Ezer" to hold onto. Thank you Sarah for being a powerful, life-giving, affirming, loving helper to EVERYONE at Girls Camp. Christ has set us free to live a free life-and I'm so grateful He brought you into the lives of each living soul at camp.

6. Krissi your pictures were beautiful-thank you for sharing your God-given gift with us at camp.  The slide shows were great with the mix of stills and video, you truly captured camp on "film."  

7. Every night when all was quiet, I walked up to my little mini retreat- called Osprey and just delighted in the beauty of my room and of Twin Rocks.  Warm showers at midnight...heaven.

8. Seeing Brynn love Amber so much - Amber, thank you for making Brynn's last year at camp-as a girls camper-so meaningful and fun.  To see my daughter have such a wonderful role model is the best gift you can give a mother.  

9. On the last night of camp, one of the campers was homesick for her mom. To make this story as simple as possible, after talking with her she and I raced back across the athletic field so she could rejoin her cabin group in the tents-she was smiling and laughing. This kind of interaction with girls is probably the most rewarding thing about camp. To be able to speak truth and love into a girl's heart and see her respond by going from tears to giggles-this is the reason I know God wants me at camp.  This is the reason why I spend endless hours in preparation for camp-because in the end, it all comes down to sitting on the back of my van with a camper and reassuring her of HIS love.  Thank you Jesus.  Let Freedom Reign.

With two days until Girls Camp begins, I feel like I should be having some deep thoughts to post on the blog. However, I'm just excited to actually get there and watch what God reveals. I'm guessing I'll come home with lots to say.

Many thanks to all of you who have supported Girls Camp by participating in and/or praying for it this year. Let Freedom Reign.

I have to say, I'm doing really well on my Fasting from Comfort.  I've been running EVERY morning, not a drop of coffee or alcoholic beverage has touched my lips.  And until last night at 7:11pm, when I without even thinking popped a strawberry into my mouth as we were cleaning up the kitchen after dinner, not a nibblet of food has passed these lips after the clock strikes seven.

But here's where it gets bad.  Tonight we were invited over to a High School Graduation party for a young man that I used to be a nanny for (I started watching him when he was only 18 months old).  The BBQ started at 6:30pm, and I knew that there was a good chance that food wouldn't be served until after my "pumpkin time."  So I snagged a half a tuna sandwich as we got in the car. I didn't want to s  t  a  r  v  e.  We arrived, and as I suspected, dinner wasn't yet being served.  

Later when they announced "we could eat" I had a choice to make-survive on the tuna smackeral I scarfed down an hour earlier or delight in a BBQ cheeseburger, grapes, and Jello salad.  I choose the latter- I thought God was feeling pretty understanding. I've been sooooo good.  It's just one dinner.  I won't have cake, I'm not imbibing in the Mike's Hard Lemonade.  Just one hot off the grill cheeseburger.

My first bite-bam, I splatter a huge dollop of ketchup and mustard onto my favorite capris.  I think I must have caught the wrong "vibe" from God.   

Just a note to say that I am in a bit of shock that tomorrow at noon marks the final moment of elementary school for my oldest daughter. My big girl is getting bigger by the second.  It's a happy feeling, and yet almost unreal that in less than 24 hours she's officially a Middle Schooler. Brynn has had a very successful school career so far-and I expect much of the same in the coming 7 years.  Yep-in 7 years she'll be graduated and off to college.  I'll be 42 years young.  tick tick tick.