thots

Alan DVR'd the Presidential Debate for me. I was square dancing with my family and then soaking in the hot tub with girl friends last night-so I missed seeing it "live."  Perhaps God knew I was going to have a very emotional reaction to the debate-so He let me see it in private this morning after the kids had gone to school.

From almost the minute the candidates started talking I felt like weeping. The intensity of their emotion, the physical, mental and political scrutiny both Obama and McCain have undergone is overwhelming. I don't know how they do it.  How do you day after day keep up the travel, family life, interviews, lack of sleep, speeches, debates, etc? I am incredibly humbled by their service and dedication. Both men show a deep love for the United States of America.  Both men believe they have "the right plan."  Both men are willing to go through this unbelievable, privacy busting, soul-bearing process in the hopes that they can take on the hardest job in the world. That to me is reason enough to look at both candidates with admiration and respect.  I was feeling exhausted just watching them take on one another's policies, records, and positions.  

The other reason why I got choked up is that I am so conflicted as to who to vote for.  One says something I like, the other contests it, and then I feel the other one is right.  If there was ever a "flip-flopper" on the issues...it's ME. I do have to be honest and say that despite my fears about Obama-his demeanor, and his answers to the major questions of health care, energy, and foreign policy spoke more closely to my beliefs than McCain.  And as much as I wanted to like McCain because he stands for some very core beliefs that I hold, I am so frustrated by his pick of Sarah Palin as VP that it makes me want to scream, "Why did you do that?"  

A few weeks ago Rick Warren talked with both candidates.  The question that grabbed my attention the most was one in which Warren asked, "Does evil exist, and if it does, do we ignore it, do we negotiate with it, do we contain it or do we defeat it." Essentially McCain said that we are to defeat it, while Obama said we should confront it, but that we must be careful that while confronting it, that we ourselves do not inflict evil.  For me, these two very distinct answers were the most defining of the campaign.  McCain says we should defeat evil.  Sorry, buddy, but I believe evil will always exist and we cannot go around trying to lop off it's ugly head where ever it pops up. Only GOD will be able to ultimately defeat evil.  I have to agree with Obama that we are to fight evil-but we should know our limits and find other ways besides fighting to promote peace and prosperity.

One more frustration with the Republican ticket is this: McCain and Palin need to stop using the phrases "maverick, reaching across the aisle, and reform." Do they think we haven't heard them the first 2000 times they have said those same tired old words.  What candidate would EVER say they only will work with their own party, that they want things to just stay the same as always and that they are definitely not going to try to get things done.  In basic grade school english, this whole thing is a, "no Duh."  In last night's debate McCain said that, "sometimes I'm not very popular with either party."  Ok, so if you are so unpopular-how do you get the backing to get anything done.  If I'm going around making everyone upset with me, I will have no power. Being in leadership shouldn't be all about a popularity contest...but you do have to have a certain amount of likeablity, respect and admiration from those you work with. Instead of constantly telling us how much he "goes against" his own party and is a "maverick" I want a leader that says, "People in both parties like me, agree with me, trust my judgement and when I work with them, we get things done for you, the American people."

Looking back at age 30 (I just turned 36 last weekend) I wonder what I was so afraid of.  Growing Up?  Being Me? God has confirmed without a shadow of a doubt that growing up and becoming who He created me to be is the best gift I've ever received.  Within that gift I've become wholly one.  Not a divided self that is in constant turmoil between "my plan" and His.  Getting here was no easy task.  And to those who think forgiveness (of others and of yourself) is a "once and done" kind of thing-sorry you're in for a process that is sometimes a spiritual and emotional battle. 

I've discovered in these 6 years that being whole does not exclude this irony: I still have lots of "parts" of me. I'm not a Christian robot who only likes one type of music or always does the "right" thing-whatever that means.  I'm still drawing boundaries and listening to what Christ would have me do in my everyday walking around life.  I wonder sometimes is it sin to still enjoy dancing like a maniac to "Livin' la Vida Loca" or watching movies like the "American President" where the story line includes pre-marital sex.

I also love baking bread and scones and reading about the old west, pioneers, and oh how I desire some day to actually follow the Oregon Trail. I often joke that I'm a pioneer - but the fact is that I'm scared to walk around a forest campground for fear of cougars and bears.  Once I saw a deer in the dark at Twin Rocks and I nearly jumped out of my skin! 

I could go on and on about the relationship between whole and being a woman of many interests, but for now I'll just leave you with this prayer :

God thank you for creating me to be in relationship with you.  This relationship is ever growing and ever changing.  You created me to depend on you, and when I do, I experience life in a way that is rich with adventure, heartache, and joy. God in You I don't ever have to be afraid of who I am or who I am not. My life came from you, should be lived for you, and will continue with your for eternity. I thank you that eternity is plenty of time to explore and discover all of me.

If you know me pretty well, you probably already know that I'm in a "decision phase" these days. And if you know me even better, you know that not having clarity is difficult for me. I'm waiting on God to give me some clear answers to what He wants for my near future. In some ways I feel so very conflicted and then in the next moment my thoughts, ideas, dreams, and goals are well defined.What I do know is this: God has given me a gift-my husband and my daughters. My first responsibility is to these people. I honor God when I honor my commitment to my family. If God wants me to work for Him, to minister or serve in His Name, then I cannot and will not do that at the expense of the primary gift He has given me. So I wait, and I wait praying for clarity and for the boldness and strength it takes to be obedient to His call.

With two days until Girls Camp begins, I feel like I should be having some deep thoughts to post on the blog. However, I'm just excited to actually get there and watch what God reveals. I'm guessing I'll come home with lots to say.

Many thanks to all of you who have supported Girls Camp by participating in and/or praying for it this year. Let Freedom Reign.

I am a person who finds tradition and routine comforting.  I don't often find myself wanting to be all that spontaneous.  Sometimes I think I'm adventuresome, but my life tells the story of a homebody.  And yet, I love change. Every so often (perhaps it's regulated by hormonal cycles that I've yet to figure out) I feel this great need for change.  I start looking at houses that are up for sale around town and day dream what it would be like to set up our family in a new space.  I wonder if we are supposed to adopt, I think about asking Alan to pursue a position with Nike in Belgium, I ask God to open doors for a short term mission.  Then I come home and rearrange the living room furniture.  And I'm pretty satisfied for the next bit.  

Today I was home doing laundry-with ironing waiting in the wings. Oh the joy of the everyday.  I compensated by going to Fred Meyer to look for a chalkboard eraser for the 1st Grade Sunday School room that I teach in. They didn't have it.  I went to Bi-Mart.  They didn't have it.  I filled the van up with $50 worth of gas, took Paige (the 5 year old I watch on Mondays) to the Dairy Queen Drive-Thru and went to church to CHANGE things in my Sunday School room.  Yea, the relief, the elation of removing staples, taking down tired old borders, rearranging bulletin boards and creating new ones. 

Now typing this blog I'm realizing how tired I am of those ducks at the top of the screen and the same old same old format of this website.  Sorry honey.  Time for a change. 

This weekend I get to enjoy the company of 8 other women as we shed our Motherly Duties and go play at the beach.  I can't wait to giggle, eat, scrapbook, shop, and simply do what ever we choose when we choose because we don't have any one else but ourselves to please.

Oh Joy for a selfish weekend.  I hope God approves.  I'm pretty sure He does. (It's called Spiritual Renewal) I think about the friends who I know well that are going, and I am giddy to hang with them, because they are some of the most honest, loving, and FUNNY women I know.  For the ones who are coming that I don't know so well-I think what an opportunity to meet more of my sisters-in-Christ.  

Now if I would just start packing... 

So much of the time I think about how we want to be known.  I've been on Facebook quite a bit lately and it is a place where you go to "keep in touch" with your friends, but it's also a place where you can let everyone know about yourself.  We sign up under the guise of wanting to be friendly-but I have to say, we also find a lot to say about ourselves.  We love it when people write on our Wall.  We change our Status so everyone knows what we're up to and thinking about. 

I wish God had a Facebook page, and He kept me apprised of His "Status."  I'd like to know if He was happy or disappointed.  I wish He'd send me a Message-wouldn't an Inbox full of private messages from God just be so cool?  What if He would write a nice note to me on my Wall where everyone could see it. What if He liked the same TV shows and music that I did?  I wonder what His "Love Language" is or if He would sign up for the same "Causes" that I do?  

The fact that I so often seem to let drift away from the center of my attention is this: I am known, completely.  God knows my every thought, my Status is known better to Him than it is even to myself.  If I want to know Him I have to open my heart and my life to Him.  I have to take time to pray, to read His Word, and to see and serve His Creation.  This life- wow, now that's one awesome "Growing Gift."

It hasn't felt very much like Spring, at least not the kind of Spring you see in children's books where the weather turns warmer, the flowers bloom, the birds chirp, and everyone rejoices in returning to the out of doors.  

Not only has the what I like to call Schizophrenic Spring in Oregon made all of us feel a bit cheated on our break time, but I've also been dealing with sickness in some form or another since Wednesday.  Not much of a "break." Again, I'm whining. I want a "do-overs."  I had plans. I had visions of sleepovers and movies, taking the family swimming (ok, I'm actually secretly glad I got out of that one, cold indoor pools don't thrill me that much), going for walks to the park, and maybe even a BBQ or two.

Tomorrow everyone needs to be well-Brynn and I leave for Outdoor School at Camp Magruder. We're going to have fun no matter how freezing it is. No whining allowed. 

This weekend was filled with friendship.  It began Friday night when I was able to spend the evening crafting and laughing with several of my girlfriends. My friend Nicole knows just what kind of "therapy" moms need.

Saturday morning was Tami's annual Easter Egg Hunt.  Wow, the time energy, money and love she puts into that party is amazing.  The kids look forward to this event every year.  I stand around in awe at my friend's commitment to her friends.

Saturday night we spent in fellowship with our good friends the Sommervilles.  They treated us to a lovely dinner, goodies from New Zealand, and the promise of a weekend at the beach sometime this summer with our two families.  God has blessed us richly with this friendship.  We love knowing some of the people we enjoy most, live right next door.

Sunday morning we gathered as usual with our faith community.  Teaching 1st Grade Sunday School continues to be a highlight of my week.  These children I consider my "young" friends, and they teach me tons about love, life, laughter and our Savior.  Then for an added bonus my good friend Lecia gave the message in service and as usual when I'm in her presence, I learn more about who God is, who He wants me to be, and the gift of prayer.

Sunday afternoon I met with the Girls Camp Committee to continue our planning and praying for Girls Camp.  Each time I witness the way God is working through us and with us to minister to grade school age girls-I'm overwhelmed with joy and honor to be a part of this team.  God is deepening friendships and creating new ones in this process. I love going along for the ride! 

Sunday night we gathered again at Tami and Michael's.  This time for BBQ burgers, a relaxing evening of conversation with well loved friends, and a chance for the kiddos to play Rockband (or out in the dog kennel-as was Jolee's choice.) Once again I was struck with the level of goodness and faithfulness God has provided for our family through our connections with friends.

I drove away from Women's Bible Fellowship today and turned on the radio. Bon Jovi's "Who Says You Can't Go Home" was playing. (Entry updated with link to song below, from the show CMT Crossroads with Bon Jovi and Sugarland, featuring the very lovely Jennifer Nettles.)

I cranked the volume (the way I always do when Bon Jovi is on) and sang along. I started thinking about how in this song Jon says he's been all around the world and the one place he still wants to go is home. So that got me thinking about Heaven, our ultimate home. Today at WBF we talked about and prayed for several people who might be going to their ultimate homecoming sooner than we'd like. It is such a hard thing to grasp, the fact that Heaven is this glorious, beautiful, safe, pain-free, disease-free place, and yet we on earth have a really difficult time letting people go there. I guess we have an even harder time when we're not sure that's where they are going...but that's a different topic. Perhaps the reason we (Christians) still struggle with death, is that deep down in our God-made souls we know that sickness and hurt are not from God. We want those evils healed, struck-down, abolished, here on earth...RIGHT NOW. We don't want those we love to only find relief in Heaven, we want the power of Christ to break through and change things now.  

My other thoughts about Heaven include this: I think about wanting to get to that place in my everyday life where if God says, "Times up, come on home" that I would be ready and willing because I'd already have been "all around the world." As in: I would have already let Him direct my life in this world into what He wanted it to be, had the kind of relationships He wanted me to have, loved the way He wants me to love.  I want to be ready to go. With so much disease and sickness, and brokeness is this place- Who says you can't go HOME.